you had a drink
i had a drink
you had a drink
i had a drink
you had a drink
i took a sleeping pill
you had a drink
i put on a movie
you had a drink
i fell asleep
maybe you drank more
then you grabbed my hand
in sleep i thought i was falling
then you grabbed my breast
my brain began to awaken
then you unzipped my pants
my hand pushed you away
then you went farther
i screamed
no
stop
no
stop
you asked me what was wrong
i cried nothing nothing
nothing
nothing

• • • • •

 
every thought turns to you
every person passing is you
i shudder to think
you are so close
you were my friend
where are you when i need you

• • • • •

 
you poison my thoughts
yet they turn to you

• • • • •

 
the time has come
to let out the monster
reluctant as i am
they search out the beast
ever persistant
methods unquestioned
yet they hear not
what i have to say

• • • • •

 
in the night you come creeping
in the dark you come to call
in my innocence i trust you
with my trust so high i will fall
in the dark you feel my body
in the night you feed your flesh
in my mind i swim far into the deep
to drown the truth, the love, the wish
in the night your scent hangs heavy
in the dark your sex envelops as you leave
in my stained bed i turn to blackness
when the knob turns as you go

• • • • •

 
you
kiss me
tease me
possess me
i
scar myself
scare myself
sacrifice myself
to you

• • • • •

 
i do not know why i go on and keep playing
your words used to heal now they sear
your denial keeps you blameless
with her beaten on smile
i am your twitching puppet
you can not touch me anymore
i am a shadow in the black
i am the echo of the closing door
love's not always something you're looking for
no one has ever come back for me
they took what they could and left

• • • • •

 
he crawls inside of me
and he crawls inside of you
it never seemed to affect
you the way it did me
sure
he changed you and me
in ways
unpredictable
but you had a choice
and i was following your
lead
somehow i always get
lost
perhaps that was your goal

• • • • •

 
you sleep with me
but won't acknowledge me
I have your baby
but you won't marry me
I awaken for you
but you won't for me
excuse me,
who were you again?

• • • • •

 
there are condoms in the trash
also in my pocket
who do I kid
we don't use them
so who are you seeing
because i can easily disappear
faster than you can
i know that in the morning
you won't remember that i was there
even though you came for me
in the middle of the night
you took my innocence
and are taking my sanity
and my time and patience
i watched you sleep
in innocence, i still love you

• • • • •

 
This is one that i found, written back in october.

today & today and yesterday again
arms unfolding like wings behind your head
stretch
rub sand from eyes
yawn
now scream
yes scream
somehow you are in bed with me
and that is not okay
for yesterday you promised
and today that stills holds true
lies all of it
silken, beautiful, sharp
stinging razor blades of untruth
once again we are in this situation
did you forget about your wife
what about your daughter
is our child of less importance
forget it all
i have not told you the truth
sometimes my secrets
scream louder than yours
ask me again tomorrow

• • • • •

 
i can feel your pestilence
your disease that infects
my skin crawling
germs
clinging to my skin
frantic movements
brush them aside
your proximity
creating goosebumps
my revulsion
everpresent

• • • • •

 
mommy? daddy? stop fighting. please. stop fighting. stop fighting. stop it. stop it. stop it.
the screaming in my head can only last so long. it has to stop. has to.
tears hit the linoleum with almost audible thuds that sound like gun shots to me.
some days i think that i could just throw something.

• • • • •